When Jim woke me up this morning, I wanted into the bathroom to pee. Jim was standing (naked) at the sink, about 8 feet away from me. I noticed his rear had a red ring on it, and teased him about sitting on the can before he came in to brush his teeth and shower. Then the unthinkable happened.

I noticed a brown mark on my husbands ass.

“Is that…POOP?” I asked?

“Huh? What, where?” he asked, twirling frantically in front of our mirror to try and see what I was talking about. He finally spotted the inch wide brown mark on his upper cheek, but I guess he couldn’t discern what it was. As soon as I vacated the bathroom, he headed in there to check things out.

Meanwhile, I’m on my way downstairs, and thinking, DAMN. We’ve been together for almost 14 years, and I never thought Jim would become a lazy wiper. He’s so fastidious where the bathroom is concerned, wiping neatly, always folding his toilet paper and not balling it up, and he even washes his hands. Is this the beginning of the end? Am I going to be wiping his ass in a matter of years? Should I start packing my bags and get out now, and find someone with better butt wiping skills?

He called me back upstairs, but at that point, I was on the phone with a coworker. I assumed he only wanted help cleaning up, and there’s not enough tea in China for me to take on that job. He really just wanted to share the discovery he made once he got busy with the washcloth. Guess what he discovered?

It wasn’t poop at all, it was a big bruise on his ass!

I guess he took a puck to the hiney last night at hockey practice. I’m feeling much better about the state of my love life, now that I know he’s not turning into a lazy butt wiper.

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A few weeks ago, I finally added Post Secret to my feed reader. I’d come across the site every so often and I don’t know why it never occurred to me to read it on a regular basis. So now I do. And then this week, I find LOLSecretz, which is a hilarious take on Post Secret, complete with pictures…

Good stuff…and just what I needed after a crappy week!

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I’m sure you’ve been to the grocery store and had the scanner beep at you when you bought items requiring the purchaser to be of a certain age.

Beer, cigarettes, wine…Nyquil?

What happens when you attempt to purchase 25 bottles of Nyquil at once? And when you get home, and realize that you can’t bake meth with Nyquil, what happens when you return 25 bottles of Nyquil all at once? This story is HILARIOUS. I’m tempted to go to the grocery store and buy multiple packages of Sudafed to see if I get stopped.

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If you’re easily offended by religious jokes, please DO NOT click this link to LOLTheist. I don’t want to get comments on how *offensive* the site is after you’ve been warned, ok kids?

For those of you who think making fun of Jesus = a good time all around, please DO click the link. It’s a take off on the LOL Cat website, with images of Jesus, and my sides still hurt from laughing. Maybe because I’ve done the same thing, on an informal basis? When Jim and I were teaching Sunday School, we had to hand out these coloring books with these oddly drawn children without eyes inside. We made all sorts of snide remarks like, “Help me to SEE the light, Jesus!”, and “Jesus loves me, but not enough to give me the gift of sight.” That’s why LOLTheist is right up my alley.

Trapped in carbonite?

Oh no, you di’nt?

Freaking PRICELESS. If God didn’t want you to laugh at this, he wouldn’t have created the internet.

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One of my favorite blog authors, Mr. Fabulous, is in the running for Best Humor Blog at the Blogger’s Choice Awards. In return for me begging shamelessly her for you to vote, I’m being entered into a drawer over on Pointless Drivel for either an OhMiBod (the classic style vibrator that syncs with your iPod) or an iPod Shuffle. (Please, dear God, let me win that OhMiBod!)

Here’s why you should vote. Actually, you shouldn’t just vote, you should post about this on your blog, and encourage YOUR readers to vote too!

1. Mr. Fab knows where I live. If I don’t do this…he may hurt me.
2. Mr. Fab will be in Las Vegas during the Bloggers Choice Awards Show. I don’t want to see him cry when he loses. He is a sore, sore loser.
3. Mr. Fab is my blog boyfriend. He’s so dreamy!
4. When he’s not blogging about Nazi toast and other naughty things, he’s kind of funny.
5. He’s competing against Dooce and some lame blogspot blog. What has Dooce ever done for you? She hasn’t done anything for me. Mr. Fab however, brought brownies to my house. And the blogspot blog has the word “boobies” in the blog title. Clearly, just trying to cater to the male vote. And the lesbian vote. For SHAME!
6. Hunger strikes. Do you want children to die over this? Uncle Fab loves the little children…he especially loves to spend time with them alone. In his windowless van.

Do it for the children.

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I came across this on Stumble and nearly fell out of my chair laughing. If you enjoy the LOLCat pictures, and enjoy making fun of white boys trying to be gansta, these pictures from ROFLWigger are a must see!

Among my favorites:

• Real Gangstas Have Vines On Their Curtains
• Gangstas Drink Keystone
• I Is Grounded In My Room

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Did you ever watch 101 Dalmations when you were a kid? The old, cartoon Disney version – not this new live action crap. One of my favorite scenes is in the beginning, where all of the dogs are walking with their owners through the park. I love that scene in particular because all of the owners resemble their dogs…or vice versa. This Cesar dog food ad did a real life version of that scene in their I look like my dog contest.

My favorite? The bald guy at the bottom of the page.

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Did your mom ever tell you not to play with your food? Sometimes, the food is just begging to be played with. One particular summer day, I was visiting my uncle in New Jersey, and we picked out a few veggies from his garden to take back to my grandmother. He grabbed an eggplant and to our surprise, it had a face on it. A little nub sticking out for a nose, and indentations where eyes would be on a human face. Instead of eating it that night, it became the centerpiece of our dinner table.

The food shown here has been altered, but it’s funny all the same.

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Ah….Sunday. A day of rest, relaxation, and a fat newspaper. I like the comics, but not the Sunday comics, because they typically don’t follow the weekly storyline. Why? Because some papers only run certain strips during the week, and others on the weekend, and most comic strip artists thought it would be too confusing for readers if they only got to enjoy 1 day of the story. So we all suffer on Sunday.

During the week, my favorite comics to read are For Better or For Worse, Zits, and Pearls Before Swine. My vote for useless space goes to Family Circus (does anyone laugh at that??). I still mourn the loss of Calvin and Hobbes. Bill Watterson was a genius. My husband and I still quote lines from favorite Calvin strips to each other, and my kids, who never even READ the strip, know a few – like this one:

What are your favorites in the funny pages?

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What a day to not have a working camera phone. (Actually, it works, but it won’t SEND the damn pictures anywhere!)

This morning I spotted a very attractive woman in the parking garage. The face was all good…the clothes…not so much. Knee high pleather boots with stiletto heels. Black stockings with some sort of swirly pattern on them…? And let’s not forget the black, thigh-length faux fur coat. Because it was all of 55 degrees outside. You know, frigid. (Silly me – in just a sweater!)

The outfit said had hooker written all over it. But her face was normal – nice haircut, professional makeup…so I’m trying to decide. Is she a corporate worker with bad fashion sense? Or a really, REALLY high priced call girl making a house call?

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