February 12, 2008
I saw this site on Life With Frenchie and it was just too good not to share. Remember that Roseanne episode where Roseanne saved her pennies to buy Dan a special gift…a gift that happened to be boudoir pictures of herself? Even the pictures Roseanne took had to be better than the offerings from Denny Scott, a “professional” photographer in Davenport, IA. (Link is relatively work safe, but may cause you to laugh so hard your coworkers wonder about you…)
Let’s examine a few of the highlights, shall we?
Our alert level just went up to Orange because of this terrorist threat in front of the White House.
But wait, the back view is even better. This is why there’s a fence around 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!
Looks like the Olan Mills school photo background.
Is it just me, or do all of those models look rode hard and put away wet? They’re one step away from meth addict, and at least half of them look like they had an uncle who touched them inappropriately.
3:30 pm
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January 8, 2008
It got to be 8:30 last night, and Matthew was still lounging on the couch, stalling before heading up to bed. I reminded him that it was bedtime, and of course he balked at the thought, despite how tired he was. As he headed up the stairs, he started making that little whiny noise all kids make, that sounds a bit like a bleating lamb.
“EHHHHHHHHHH!”
Keep in mind, he’s 8 and way too old for this nonsense. So I decided to use a little reverse psychology, and I whined right back at him. We exchanged a few whiny noises back and forth, and I could see that he was getting mad at me for mimicking him. The wheels were turning in his little head, wondering how he could best me. As he got to the landing at the top of the stairs, it came to him - he could say a really, horrible, awful word. That would teach me a lesson!
So from the top of the stairs, all the way down in the family room, I hear him say, “Penis!”
Did I just hear what I think I heard? Did my son throw down a pseudo-curse word at me? Yes, he did! He was so mad at me that he decided to shock me by saying penis, which in his mind, equals some of the four letter words only Mommy is allowed to say. I walked to the bottom of the stairs and looked up, and saw him smirking at me. He said it again, “Penis!” Meanwhile, I’m trying not to laugh, and heading upstairs to deal with my sorta foul mouthed little boy. As I reach the last step, he says it again - “Penis”, and heads into his room, slamming the door behind him.
I opened the door to his bedroom and replied, “VAGINA!” The look on his face was one of shock. Did his mom just come back to his penis retort with the V-word? Oh, yes she did! So he replied, “BALLS!” I one upped him with “Butt!” and he came back again with “Penis!” and collapsed onto the bed in giggles. I kissed him, told him our potty talk time was over, and it was time for bed. He let me tuck him in without arguing further.
And that folks, is parenting at it’s finest.
10:06 am
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January 5, 2008
I awoke to screaming earlier this week. Matthew’s very loose canine tooth had finally popped out, and he was downstairs with a mouth full of blood. What a way to start the morning! Even after we got his mouth rinsed out and cleaned up, the tears persister. He trudged up the stairs ahead of me, saying, “I don’t WANT to go back to school!”
When I asked him why he was worrying about his return to school (which isn’t for another week!) he admitted it was because of his missing teeth. He’s missing both of his front teeth, and now the canine to one side. “I’m going to look like a bum, mommy. Or a hobo. Or a hillbilly!”
It’s too bad that Halloween is so far off. We could dress him in overalls and a funny hat, give him a little Daisy air rifle, and have our own little Hatfield or McCoy look alike in the house!
10:41 am
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January 4, 2008
I found yet another porn for girls site today. Absolutely hilarious! Who knew that the words “rough” and “hardcore” could be so sweet and meaningful?
Site is work safe, and completely ok to send to even your most uptight girlfriends. Or your mom!
5:28 pm
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January 2, 2008
The dog woke me up this morning, and it was too early to get up. I crawled back into my warm bed and slipped back to sleep for an hour or so. I had the strangest dream in that hour of time. In it, John Travolta was my former foster brother and his daughter called me to ask why she wasn’t allowed to see her mother. I told her the truth, which was that her mother had a drug problem. Apparently, John wasn’t too happy with that, because he showed up on my doorstep. (In the dream, I was 17 and still living at home with both parents.)
I took him to my bedroom, where we made up, and he offered me pot. I guilt tripped him for never calling us now that he was a “big star” and he asked if he could tie me up with a bungee cord and have sex. Apparently, the fact that my parents had raised him didn’t bother him…and heck, he’s John freaking Travolta, who was I to say no?
I woke up before we could have incestuous sex.
9:41 am
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December 31, 2007
I was snuggling with the boy on the couch last night, and gave him a big squeezy hug. “Ouch!”, he said. “You’re going to squish all of the juice out of me.”
I replied saying “Ooh, juice? I like juice…can we squeeze you and drink all of the juice?”
He gave me a look, the kind of look that says ‘exactly how stupid ARE you?’ and replied, “The juice inside of me is pee. And blood. Mostly blood. You can’t DRINK it!”
10:07 am
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December 23, 2007
I found this image on StumbleUpon earlier this week, and I’ve had that tab open since then, knowing I had to save it and share it here. It’s one of those jokes that may take you a minute, but don’t worry, you’ll get it! I’m really sharing this for my sister, who is a huge fan of all things Peanuts…so much so that she named her dog Snoopy!
Now, wait for it…wait for it…
12:58 pm
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December 21, 2007
Remember how your grandma always got you something sort of like what you wanted, but not the real thing you wanted? If you asked for one of those new sweaters at the mall, she’d knit you one. If you wanted a Barbie doll, Grandma bought you Kelly, Barbie’s little sister. When you asked for a Harry Potter book, she got you one of those crappy C.S. Lewis novels instead. What will Grandma do when you ask for heroin?
If laughing at this is wrong, I don’t want to be right!
11:09 pm
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My friend Tim shared a hilarious bit of news from my neck of the woods this week. Yes, only in Florida will an old biddy call the police because her neighbor “stole” from her. 
The big heist? A single tangerine from the lady’s fruit tree. Ruth Snow (ain’t she a looker?) was working on a jigsaw puzzle when she saw her neighbor, Italo Tomaselli, walk to her tangerine tree and pluck off a piece of fruit. Apparently, Italo (who is 80 years old) has been helping himself to Ruth’s sweet, sweet fruit (ha!) for years, and Ruth (who is 81) had enough. In fact, she was so bitter, that she cut DOWN several of her own trees to prevent her neighbor from stealing any of her fruit. (Surely she’s heard of the phrase, cutting off your nose to spite your face?)
Tomaselli admits he was in the wrong. Ruth, proving she’s a hag right to the end, said she wants to see his butt in a sling. Very neighborly! I see a lot of fruit theft in her future, considering her name and address, as well as her spiteful actions, have been broadcast all over the news. She just made herself a HUGE target….karma, baby!
In her spare time, Ruth enjoys driving slow in the fast lane, and confiscating baseballs and footballs that land in her yard.
3:43 pm
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December 20, 2007
I came across this site on StumbleUpon tonight, and as I took the “How many 5 year olds could you take in a fight” test, I thought about my good friend, Mr. Fab. If anyone could take down a swarm of grubby, germy, dirty 5 year olds, he could. He’d fight dirty too, and he’d even toss a few 5 year olds around, much like one would toss a dwarf at a bar.
I’m proud to say I could take down 23 five year olds…
Find a Ultrasound school near you
9:29 pm
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