Archive for the ‘Ha, Ha!’ Category

norm freaking macdonald

Sunday, February 8th, 2009

About a month or so ago I got an email from a club mailing list I belong to letting me know that Norm MacDonald would be in town doing stand-up this weekend. I immediately booked 2 tickets to his show as a pre-Valentine’s date night for the husband and myself. norm macdonaldWe both remember watching Norm as the Weekend Update anchor on Saturday Night Live, and we loved him in the movie Dirty Work (which happens to be one of, if not the last film Chris Farley ever made.) Norm has also been the voice of “Death” on Family Guy, another favorite of ours.

Anyway, I ended up scoring 2nd row seats in this little club, and we sat with 2 ladies from out of town who were enjoying their first visit to the club. Jim was a little worried about the show, never having seen Norm do stand-up bits, and I got that – funny in a movie or on TV doesn’t always translate to funny in person. I’m happy to report that Norm MacDonald is hilarious in person. His dead pan delivery, the sarcastic style – he has this way about him that says “I’m not trying to be funny, but it just happens.” And sitting 6 feet away from him while he did that? Magical.

why, are you fat?

Friday, January 16th, 2009

This is just what I needed to start off my weekend…I’m almost crying from laughing so hard. This guy spent Black Friday at WalMart answering phones in the store and “helping” customers. If they made a weekly sitcom out of this, I’d DVR it religiously!

“Can you tell me if you have any of the Wii fits?”

“Why, are you fat?”

rockin’ stay at home dad

Sunday, August 24th, 2008

Laura posted this video earlier today and I just caught it on my feed. It’s freakin’ hilarious! I wish I had a guy like this living at my house…cooking me dinner and taking care of my kids…and sounding like one of the Beastie Boys all at once!

He’s down with Winnie The Pooh and Ice Age, and he’s not afraid to show his sensitive side.

“professional” boudoir pictures

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

I saw this site on Life With Frenchie and it was just too good not to share. Remember that Roseanne episode where Roseanne saved her pennies to buy Dan a special gift…a gift that happened to be boudoir pictures of herself? Even the pictures Roseanne took had to be better than the offerings from Denny Scott, a “professional” photographer in Davenport, IA. (Link is relatively work safe, but may cause you to laugh so hard your coworkers wonder about you…)

Let’s examine a few of the highlights, shall we?

Baby? I’s in front of a big bridge in my under britches! And my under britches is see through, so I’s got another pair on underneath to cover my naughty bits!

A resident of the Old Stripper Home, apparently going back in time to a year when she was still considered hot.

Our alert level just went up to Orange because of this terrorist threat in front of the White House.

But wait, the back view is even better. This is why there’s a fence around 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

Looks like the Olan Mills school photo background.

Is it just me, or do all of those models look rode hard and put away wet? They’re one step away from meth addict, and at least half of them look like they had an uncle who touched them inappropriately.

cursing is fun!

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

It got to be 8:30 last night, and Matthew was still lounging on the couch, stalling before heading up to bed. I reminded him that it was bedtime, and of course he balked at the thought, despite how tired he was. As he headed up the stairs, he started making that little whiny noise all kids make, that sounds a bit like a bleating lamb.

“EHHHHHHHHHH!”

Keep in mind, he’s 8 and way too old for this nonsense. So I decided to use a little reverse psychology, and I whined right back at him. We exchanged a few whiny noises back and forth, and I could see that he was getting mad at me for mimicking him. The wheels were turning in his little head, wondering how he could best me. As he got to the landing at the top of the stairs, it came to him – he could say a really, horrible, awful word. That would teach me a lesson!

So from the top of the stairs, all the way down in the family room, I hear him say, “Penis!”

Did I just hear what I think I heard? Did my son throw down a pseudo-curse word at me? Yes, he did! He was so mad at me that he decided to shock me by saying penis, which in his mind, equals some of the four letter words only Mommy is allowed to say. I walked to the bottom of the stairs and looked up, and saw him smirking at me. He said it again, “Penis!” Meanwhile, I’m trying not to laugh, and heading upstairs to deal with my sorta foul mouthed little boy. As I reach the last step, he says it again – “Penis”, and heads into his room, slamming the door behind him.

I opened the door to his bedroom and replied, “VAGINA!” The look on his face was one of shock. Did his mom just come back to his penis retort with the V-word? Oh, yes she did! So he replied, “BALLS!” I one upped him with “Butt!” and he came back again with “Penis!” and collapsed onto the bed in giggles. I kissed him, told him our potty talk time was over, and it was time for bed. He let me tuck him in without arguing further.

And that folks, is parenting at it’s finest.

my son, the hillbilly

Saturday, January 5th, 2008

I awoke to screaming earlier this week. Matthew’s very loose canine tooth had finally popped out, and he was downstairs with a mouth full of blood. What a way to start the morning! Even after we got his mouth rinsed out and cleaned up, the tears persister. He trudged up the stairs ahead of me, saying, “I don’t WANT to go back to school!”

When I asked him why he was worrying about his return to school (which isn’t for another week!) he admitted it was because of his missing teeth. He’s missing both of his front teeth, and now the canine to one side. “I’m going to look like a bum, mommy. Or a hobo. Or a hillbilly!”

It’s too bad that Halloween is so far off. We could dress him in overalls and a funny hat, give him a little Daisy air rifle, and have our own little Hatfield or McCoy look alike in the house!

girl on girl

Friday, January 4th, 2008

I found yet another porn for girls site today. Absolutely hilarious! Who knew that the words “rough” and “hardcore” could be so sweet and meaningful?

Site is work safe, and completely ok to send to even your most uptight girlfriends. Or your mom!

stayin’ alive

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008

The dog woke me up this morning, and it was too early to get up. I crawled back into my warm bed and slipped back to sleep for an hour or so. I had the strangest dream in that hour of time. In it, John Travolta was my former foster brother and his daughter called me to ask why she wasn’t allowed to see her mother. I told her the truth, which was that her mother had a drug problem. Apparently, John wasn’t too happy with that, because he showed up on my doorstep. (In the dream, I was 17 and still living at home with both parents.)

I took him to my bedroom, where we made up, and he offered me pot. I guilt tripped him for never calling us now that he was a “big star” and he asked if he could tie me up with a bungee cord and have sex. Apparently, the fact that my parents had raised him didn’t bother him…and heck, he’s John freaking Travolta, who was I to say no?

I woke up before we could have incestuous sex.

juicy

Monday, December 31st, 2007

I was snuggling with the boy on the couch last night, and gave him a big squeezy hug. “Ouch!”, he said. “You’re going to squish all of the juice out of me.”

I replied saying “Ooh, juice? I like juice…can we squeeze you and drink all of the juice?”

He gave me a look, the kind of look that says ‘exactly how stupid ARE you?’ and replied, “The juice inside of me is pee. And blood. Mostly blood. You can’t DRINK it!”

traces of peanuts

Sunday, December 23rd, 2007

I found this image on StumbleUpon earlier this week, and I’ve had that tab open since then, knowing I had to save it and share it here. It’s one of those jokes that may take you a minute, but don’t worry, you’ll get it! I’m really sharing this for my sister, who is a huge fan of all things Peanuts…so much so that she named her dog Snoopy!

Now, wait for it…wait for it…

tracesofpeanuts